Saturday, December 31, 2011

Secret anniversaries of the heart

You cant reason with why certain things get catalogued irrevocably in your brain while others get no place. At least I, have no clue to this apparant madness. I am quiet frustrated because it is so. I'd like to remember certain things in copius details.. such as my own wedding. What has stuck around though is just a general idea of what had happened; largely reconstructed in current memory from photographs, videos and other recordings. And some odd little whimsical bits that's not significant. I bet this is true for many people. But dutifully, we all do anniversaries.

Somehow I feel these named days for rememberance are phony. We make ourselves rise to the ocassion and jubiliate when in all honesty its like any other day. Its hard to avoid being ritualistic about these things I guess. Hard to be truly spontaneous. Hard to make others align to the whims of your heart. So that its just easier to say, OK, husband and wife, kiss each other on new years eve, or valentine's day, or on your wedding anniversary or whatever.. so that the commitment between you is reaffirmed. Reaffirmed at regular, predictable, boring intervals. And dont complain afterward.

And then there are those things.. those sweet nothings that we remember from time to time, without intent. A stranger with smiling eyes that you haven't forgotten. A meal you can still taste if you closed your eyes. The feel from that one time in the rain holding hands with your sweetheart. Those remain with you and are remembered, truly, for ever after. Not with dates, not forcibly recreated for celebrations... just there with you, your memories, that choose random moments to come and overwhelm you with emotion.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I'll fess up as my last tribute

I dont miss you anymore. And when I look at your pictures, I dont know you anymore. Your memory, revisted so many times, is at last too faint to recollect.

However... albeit rarely, but sometimes, like right now, I still cry for you.

Maybe its because I am good at feeling sorry for myself. I just have to tell me he was gone so early. I didn't even get a chance to know him. And he loved me so much. And he was so unhappy and sick in the end.. and etc. And the tears come. Dutifully. But I dont like to do this. It somehow stinks.

Sometimes there is this pain I feel when I see someone else's father hold them. Or fathers talk of their kids who are my age now. Because you aren't here to do it for me. Perhaps one never can stop grieving for some roles, you know. Dads, moms, kids, brothers.. because there's expectations. The deprived I's keep surfacing. That doesn't feel like a great way to remember you either.

You know, I've been loved by so many people. But I wasn't the apple of their eyes like I was yours (I think to myself). And I let no one ever match up to my memories of you. I think I even make you up to keep my sense of loss alive. Because really, I dont remember you too much. Strange, but true.

Would it be a betrayal if I didn't grieve you anymore?

Friday, December 16, 2011


Didn't know you were still here.
That I've carried you with me
for all these years.

This morning I knew.
For you came to me.
On the wings of a flower;
Blooming small and pretty
on the side of this road I walk everyday.
And the years fell away.

It was just such a morning.
The sun golden on the horizon.
And your eyes as red from tears.
You held me tight.
I hadn't known then..
That I'd remember you like this..
years later...

And my heart felt heavy.
With sorrow, with nostalgia;
I remembered the scent of you.
And your lubdub on my cheek.
I hardly notice it these days.
It was suffocating.
This memory of you.
For I felt locked in time.
And you lost to me forever.

You and I, we have walked all these years..
Side by side.
And you were walking by me this morning.
But it wasn't the you from those many years ago.
For whom I yearned.
We are both different people today!
Still dear to each other,
But somehow not in the same way..
Never again the same way..
And each anniversary a little changed.
A little faked, a small pretension.
But why even try for just the same?

My darling, this non rhyme;
Do you like it?
Its like it really is..
An intense sweet pain and a whole lot of other,
Meaningless meaningless chatter!