Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Outside in

She knows. I can tell by the way she looks at me. It irritates me, but I cant do anything. I cant understand how she can act so possessive about the one thing she knows she has lost. To me. Her darling husband. Anyways, so she is now draping herself all over Amit. Not that I care. Interesting how she doesn't want to challenge him with any of her suspicions or allegations. Amit is staring into space and pretending not to see me. I know he is aware of every move I make, but this is his habitual public mask. I am quiet used to it. Poor souls, both! They should give each other up and lead wholesome lives. I do not understand why do they not. I've asked Amit several times how he finds the strength to keep up this game. He shrugs. I wonder what would I do in her shoes. How would I react? With spite? Magnanimity? Devastation? How? Would I leave Amit?

Would I? Why don't I? We have no bindings that either of us recognize. But I can't. And yet I don't want a future with Amit for myself. I tell myself I don't care who else is in his life. I insist to myself that I don't care who else is in Amit's life, what he feels, where he makes his stand. I insist my love for him is all just about my feelings, is all. I feel it, breathe it, live it, believe it, poetize it. My experience is not a function of how Amit experiences it, I proclaim to all willing to hear. Possessiveness is self-defense for the obsessively insecure. Its not for me.

This flagrant lack of expectation - why am I like this? Could it be deep-rooted insecurity turned outside in? Precious little do I trust those I love to stand up for what I care about. So that nothing not in my control can ever touch what I care about, or touch me!