Monday, March 28, 2011

Ticking away

The interesting thing is that we live in denial. Day in and day out. We strive to achieve security, prestige, wealth. Meanwhile, we wait our turn to die. An irresponsible divinity allows things like the disaster in Japan to happen. But people forget and continue their child's play, make predictions, nurse aspirations, produce off-springs, and lead their scared cautious lives. I confess, I struggle with whats next for me.

I went through the standard grind and invested thirty years to become independent. In retrospect, I have been lucky all this time. I made good friends, was thrilled few times. I have felt love and pain. Now, I must continue to do all this.. suffer the same joys and the same disappointments for the rest of my days, with the thrill of the firsts taken out of the equation. Sounds rather dyspeptic.

Kids are the next milestone, they say. And I sit and think, kids huh? How wonderful! I would balance the whole world of odds for it. Meanwhile I know, the only thing I can guarantee for it is death... Alas! And yet, I would anything to have a child. What selfish beings we are! The evolutionary, socio-cultural programming is overwhelming. I can scarcely fight it.

Procreation may be an emotional leap forward, but, people resign to so many vicarious experiences in life. Why not motherhood? My husband asked me if I really wanted to invest the remaining prime of my life changing diapers, literally and metaphorically as the years go by? I fought back, but not very well. Because that's an important question. Why am I desperate to sign off this hard earned independence?

I want to brainstorm what would make this next phase here on earth truly inspired. I am unsure though, if I am brave enough to act on an idea, even if something unique struck me in the head!