Saturday, December 31, 2011

Secret anniversaries of the heart

You cant reason with why certain things get catalogued irrevocably in your brain while others get no place. At least I, have no clue to this apparant madness. I am quiet frustrated because it is so. I'd like to remember certain things in copius details.. such as my own wedding. What has stuck around though is just a general idea of what had happened; largely reconstructed in current memory from photographs, videos and other recordings. And some odd little whimsical bits that's not significant. I bet this is true for many people. But dutifully, we all do anniversaries.

Somehow I feel these named days for rememberance are phony. We make ourselves rise to the ocassion and jubiliate when in all honesty its like any other day. Its hard to avoid being ritualistic about these things I guess. Hard to be truly spontaneous. Hard to make others align to the whims of your heart. So that its just easier to say, OK, husband and wife, kiss each other on new years eve, or valentine's day, or on your wedding anniversary or whatever.. so that the commitment between you is reaffirmed. Reaffirmed at regular, predictable, boring intervals. And dont complain afterward.

And then there are those things.. those sweet nothings that we remember from time to time, without intent. A stranger with smiling eyes that you haven't forgotten. A meal you can still taste if you closed your eyes. The feel from that one time in the rain holding hands with your sweetheart. Those remain with you and are remembered, truly, for ever after. Not with dates, not forcibly recreated for celebrations... just there with you, your memories, that choose random moments to come and overwhelm you with emotion.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I'll fess up as my last tribute

I dont miss you anymore. And when I look at your pictures, I dont know you anymore. Your memory, revisted so many times, is at last too faint to recollect.

However... albeit rarely, but sometimes, like right now, I still cry for you.

Maybe its because I am good at feeling sorry for myself. I just have to tell me he was gone so early. I didn't even get a chance to know him. And he loved me so much. And he was so unhappy and sick in the end.. and etc. And the tears come. Dutifully. But I dont like to do this. It somehow stinks.

Sometimes there is this pain I feel when I see someone else's father hold them. Or fathers talk of their kids who are my age now. Because you aren't here to do it for me. Perhaps one never can stop grieving for some roles, you know. Dads, moms, kids, brothers.. because there's expectations. The deprived I's keep surfacing. That doesn't feel like a great way to remember you either.

You know, I've been loved by so many people. But I wasn't the apple of their eyes like I was yours (I think to myself). And I let no one ever match up to my memories of you. I think I even make you up to keep my sense of loss alive. Because really, I dont remember you too much. Strange, but true.

Would it be a betrayal if I didn't grieve you anymore?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Daisy

Didn't know you were still here.
That I've carried you with me
for all these years.

This morning I knew.
For you came to me.
On the wings of a flower;
Blooming small and pretty
on the side of this road I walk everyday.
And the years fell away.

It was just such a morning.
The sun golden on the horizon.
And your eyes as red from tears.
You held me tight.
I hadn't known then..
That I'd remember you like this..
years later...

And my heart felt heavy.
With sorrow, with nostalgia;
I remembered the scent of you.
And your lubdub on my cheek.
I hardly notice it these days.
It was suffocating.
This memory of you.
For I felt locked in time.
And you lost to me forever.

You and I, we have walked all these years..
Side by side.
And you were walking by me this morning.
But it wasn't the you from those many years ago.
For whom I yearned.
We are both different people today!
Still dear to each other,
But somehow not in the same way..
Never again the same way..
And each anniversary a little changed.
A little faked, a small pretension.
But why even try for just the same?

My darling, this non rhyme;
Do you like it?
Its like it really is..
An intense sweet pain and a whole lot of other,
Meaningless meaningless chatter!

Monday, November 28, 2011

আমারও আছে আবলতাবল

চেতনার রং বলল কবিগুরু,
আমিও মারলাম কপোচ পুরু.
ভালো ফালো বাসলাম নিজ গুনে,
করলাম পান বিশ জেনে শুনে.

ধিং চাক দিন রাত বাজে সুর,
রুচি লুচি চালভাজা চানাচুর.
মোমবাতি জ্বেলে দিয়ে ধ্যান করি,
আগা পাচতলা নেই প্লান করি.

ভাবা ফাবা বাদ দাও, কি হবে?
চিত্কারে গলা দাও, জোর হবে.
যাই কর, খিদে আছে ঘুম আছে,
গোনা দিন খরচের ঋণ আছে.

সত্যি কথা সবই অপ্রিয়,
ঝিমিয়ে ঝিমিয়েই মিলিয়ে নিও.
মানুষ উটকো এক জানোয়ার,
উদ্ভট স্বপ্নের সখ তার.

ধুস শালা কি কবিতা লিখলাম,
জীবনের কাছে এই শিখলাম.
মানে ফানে কিছু নেই খুব বেশি,
চেতনার রং জেনো মাংসাশী.

Monday, November 14, 2011

মনে মনে

যাচ্ছ কোথায়ে?
বলছ না তো?
বেশ নাহয় নাই বললে!
কিন্তু একা তো চললে,
দেখো পারো কিনা,
শেষ পর্য্যন্ত!

চেয়ে দেখছটা কি?
বলবে না তো?
বেশ আমাকে এড়াও
ভেসে ভেসেই বেরাও,
স্বপ্ন গুলো বাঁচে যদি,
শেষ পর্য্যন্ত!

ভাবছ টা কি?
বুঝব না তো?
ওই কল্পনা ঘোর,
থাক চোখে তোর,
দ্যাখ রং টেকে যদি,
শেষ পর্য্যন্ত!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Outside in

She knows. I can tell by the way she looks at me. It irritates me, but I cant do anything. I cant understand how she can act so possessive about the one thing she knows she has lost. To me. Her darling husband. Anyways, so she is now draping herself all over Amit. Not that I care. Interesting how she doesn't want to challenge him with any of her suspicions or allegations. Amit is staring into space and pretending not to see me. I know he is aware of every move I make, but this is his habitual public mask. I am quiet used to it. Poor souls, both! They should give each other up and lead wholesome lives. I do not understand why do they not. I've asked Amit several times how he finds the strength to keep up this game. He shrugs. I wonder what would I do in her shoes. How would I react? With spite? Magnanimity? Devastation? How? Would I leave Amit?

Would I? Why don't I? We have no bindings that either of us recognize. But I can't. And yet I don't want a future with Amit for myself. I tell myself I don't care who else is in his life. I insist to myself that I don't care who else is in Amit's life, what he feels, where he makes his stand. I insist my love for him is all just about my feelings, is all. I feel it, breathe it, live it, believe it, poetize it. My experience is not a function of how Amit experiences it, I proclaim to all willing to hear. Possessiveness is self-defense for the obsessively insecure. Its not for me.

This flagrant lack of expectation - why am I like this? Could it be deep-rooted insecurity turned outside in? Precious little do I trust those I love to stand up for what I care about. So that nothing not in my control can ever touch what I care about, or touch me!

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Dream you back to me

After you were gone, I desperately wanted to see you one more time, one last time. You see I am a creature of habit. And you just ceased to be... so abruptly! I didn't have time to prepare to see you go. If I had known, I'd still feel bad, and it'd still be hard to let you go. But perhaps not this deep regret for everything left undone, unsaid. I pray each day that I'll dream of you. To find closure for me. And to refresh my memory of you. To breathe you in one last time. You see, I can close my eyes and recall all the things we did together. But they dont have the force of reality. Dreams would feel real, I keep thinking. I wish I could dream as I wished.

And while you are in and out of my mind every waking moment, with little things of my daily life acting as constant reminders of you; you elude me in my dreams. How is it that my unconcious is so detached from what I am thinking in my concious mind! Its frustrating. I wonder why we are able to dream at all?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Ticking away

The interesting thing is that we live in denial. Day in and day out. We strive to achieve security, prestige, wealth. Meanwhile, we wait our turn to die. An irresponsible divinity allows things like the disaster in Japan to happen. But people forget and continue their child's play, make predictions, nurse aspirations, produce off-springs, and lead their scared cautious lives. I confess, I struggle with whats next for me.

I went through the standard grind and invested thirty years to become independent. In retrospect, I have been lucky all this time. I made good friends, was thrilled few times. I have felt love and pain. Now, I must continue to do all this.. suffer the same joys and the same disappointments for the rest of my days, with the thrill of the firsts taken out of the equation. Sounds rather dyspeptic.

Kids are the next milestone, they say. And I sit and think, kids huh? How wonderful! I would balance the whole world of odds for it. Meanwhile I know, the only thing I can guarantee for it is death... Alas! And yet, I would anything to have a child. What selfish beings we are! The evolutionary, socio-cultural programming is overwhelming. I can scarcely fight it.

Procreation may be an emotional leap forward, but, people resign to so many vicarious experiences in life. Why not motherhood? My husband asked me if I really wanted to invest the remaining prime of my life changing diapers, literally and metaphorically as the years go by? I fought back, but not very well. Because that's an important question. Why am I desperate to sign off this hard earned independence?

I want to brainstorm what would make this next phase here on earth truly inspired. I am unsure though, if I am brave enough to act on an idea, even if something unique struck me in the head!

Friday, February 11, 2011

My morning cup of flirt

A lot is to be said to start a day with a healthy dose of cuteness. Doubtless you've tried coffee, yoga, exercise.. and while each may boast its own bit of appeal, nothing quiet beats having a sweet conversation with a pair of smiling eyes to kick start your day. Happen once in a blue moon, or, often, it'll bring out that warm indulgent smile you smile only for yourself.. perhaps add a spring to your step? Get that sexy feeling you'd almost forgotten? Feel like you could take on the world? Now, who doesn't want that? Its a tough life out there. We could all use a little love!

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