Probably since I learnt to write, I've written these to you. Mostly you've ignored them. Yet, ego never came between us. I've always despaired at you in sorrow, raved at you in disappointment, prayed to you in uncertainty and found myself able to cope thereafter.. whether you ever intervened on my behalf, I do not know. And yet I am happy to continue being with you. Much less would I afford to anyone else around me, who treated me the same.
Our relationship though has changed. And sometimes I wonder at these changes that crept between you and me. Sitting with you wearing faces of ancient Gods and Goddeses feel totally alien to me today. Offering you food and water and flowers and incense is a mockery. I cannot do it without hypocrisy anymore. It feels plain dumb. And all the slokas and mantras that I can barely follow sound hollow and stupid to my ears. I wonder at your devotees helplessly. I envy them their simple conviction. Do these words full of praises for your skills really please you !? For your sake and mine, I hope that they are wrong about you.
I think you do see that I am not exactly over you either. Not the lost sheep; only the wandering one.. But one that seeks you and only you nonetheless. But, I beg your pardon, I cannot come to you in fear. My intellect revolts against the possibility of a punitive mean little you.. I cannot diminish you so. You know, I am almost in a limbo, so far as you are concerned.. for while my existing methods of reaching out to you feel broken, I want you more than ever, need your presence more than ever more.
Why? Because I need absolutes to make sense of all this shifting pieces, people and events. An inertial frame of reference. And You, are mine. Sometimes I suspect, you are as much my creation as I am yours. And I dont fear that idea.. I feel empowered with the beauty of it. You do exist, inside me. And you are the true companion for my soul.. you and me are the true yin and yang. You are the lover in who's arms I can find absolution for everything that I am, versus everything else. You are the only one who knows me through and through. Yes, you do live in heaven.. deep in the haven of my soul.