Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Be Mine: Let me in

Continued from...
Be mine: What is that brewing?

I am troubled with a sense of foreboding. I cant put my finger on it... but the light has died from my husband, Torit's eyes. He looks.. hunted, these days. We haven't made love in over a month. That is very unusual. Torit does not exactly seem busy.. just vacant and tired. He doesn't gossip about work as he used to each evening. He doesn't smile much any more... He forgets things... after I have spoken to him at length for 5 minutes, I have to jolt him awake... its like he just dozes off with open eyes! I am wondering how to bring this up. I want to drag him to talk with a psychiatrist!

Today I found Torit pouring over that dratted doll again. It will sound strange, but I am feeling jealous of the doll. It has become a fetish for Torit. I cannot believe his fascination with the darned thing! Several times I have found it on our bed. Torit denies having brought it with him. I control my urge to scream with frustration... and hurt. How the hell else can it turn up there! Is this a new thing, or, an old habit, that I am discovering at last. My husband feels like a stranger sometimes these days. I have decided to lock the stupid doll out of sight in the cupboard. There now, that made me feel good!

Torit said he will return late. At 9:30 I called, he did not answer his cell phone. I am feeling uneasy..

I received a call from the Lady Blair Hospital an hour ago. Torit has had a serious car accident. I am waiting in front of the emergency room. The doctors and police tell me that Torit lost consciousness while driving home and crossed over to the side of oncoming traffic. Its a wonder he is alive. For 72 hours, I hung in there struggling with him for his life. Friends came and held hands. I did not register it.

Torit has regained consciousness. They've done many tests but could not determine any cause for his seizure.. no leisons, nothing. As he lay there unconscious, and I watched over him helplessly, I saw his face screw up in savage fear on several occasions. My heart beat fast for him.. but what could I do to help? What can I do my love? The doctors told me not to worry... it seemed they did not entirely believe me either. He called out for "Aki" once.. who is Aki? I promised myself to ask him when he came back to me.

He did not seem to recognize the name! I trust my beloved. He has never been deceitful before. Perhaps I am just in denial.. and yet, I did hear him. But I also heard the earnest anguish in his voice.. He needs me now more than ever. I must not despair. What is happening to my world!