Saturday, May 08, 2010


Drown, they had said and I had wanted to... it was scary how much I had wanted to. Thankfully, fear won the round. I knew where to draw the line. Sometimes I try to imagine what would it be like... When you look at me like that... if I ride the electricity that courses through my veins.. what would that be like! Perhaps it would be no different. With or without that momentary indiscretion. Perhaps I preserve nothing after all with my rigid self denial.

I often remember without meaning to, your eyes. When they plead with me I am helplessly in their grip. In my dreams, it is always the same. You mock me as I weep.. I beg you to give me respite. Have you ever felt that something is chasing you constantly? I feel like that with your eyes. I've learned to turn away from their lure. But you do not let me forget. You do not let me forget.

I am afraid to be alone. When I am alone, I have to confront you. You do not let me hide, you do not let me lie, you do not let me pretend to be happy. You invite me to forget myself, to lose my way, to slip away. Dear god, it is hypnotic. I am so desperately attracted to the morbid promise it holds. Slipping away. It is insane.

But you shall not be allowed to win. You cannot win. I will come back to burn in the pyre you built for me and emerge victorious. It will be glorious.. I shall rejoice in the agony and the ecstasy of my being. My fight is not done. You could not seduce me then, you will not seduce me now. I promise you that.