Monday, May 17, 2010

Take my hand: Now and then...

Continued from
Take my hand: Shall we dance

Giri and I grew up together.. Made mad plans, shared our deepest wisdoms.. And yet... our relationship did not survive what happened toward the end. I guess I was too deeply entrenched in the chastity paradigm... despite my open rebellion of every conventional notion.. despite the smoking and the alchohol abuse... the bravado was all superficial.. I couldn't do what I thought I could do.

My problem was, Giri never said he loved me or anything like that. That we cared for each other, there was never any doubt... but that was not enough... To him, this was a new fun thing we had discovered. He was obsessed with lust.. For me, sex had to be packaged as part of now and forever, and from the one and only. It just wasn't something friends could do. I felt bruised by his lack of empathy.. he lost patience with my teary eyed idealism.

Seeing him again now is very different from back then. I remember the nice things.. even that brief episode makes me smile.. its not revolting at all.. anymore. This daliance with him now is sweet. I believe its also inconsequential. The good thing about it is that, its refreshing me. I smile more, I take care how I dress, I feel more aware of myself as a woman. Seeing Giri again has helped my relationship with Anish. We feel closer together most nights... we'd usually just be exhausted and hit the bed... but he's doing things that we just did not have the energy to do before. We are talking more.. he's taken well to these two sweet friends in our life.

Would I sleep with Giri sometime in the future? I am not worried. I dont plan on it and though its on my mind, oh yes, it is.. its there more in an academic sense. I dont want to obsess about it. You cant work everything out in your head. I think we've both gotten over sex for the sake of it. So, if it happens, it will. And in those moments, we will belong together.