Take my hand: You're always on my mind
The other day walking by the beach, Giri and I were discussing about men and their fixation with physical appeal. I was irritated with him for defending the attitude. To me, it is plain stupid. To me, every person has some beauty.. Giri insisted the concept did not make sense without some sort of perfection of the physical form. Men are just hardwired. No matter how concieted, how asinine, Ms Perfect 10 always wins! Giri countered that intelligence, humor, poise.. these qualities are valued.. just some.. (he paused here) more agressive traits are negatively scored. He gave me the single eyebrow. "Certain smart self assured women who shoot their mouth a lot... can come across as insincere, cocksure, dominating. Its not endearing." I could see he was goading me. I could not ignore the taunt. I said "That could be an error in judgement, you know.. I think of both insincerity and confidence as sexy traits. Dominating could mean an active and provocative partner. Seema live up to that?" Giri did not answer. I couldn't stop. "Why did you suddenly decide to marry after all those years of waiting, at 33? Seema too pretty to pass up?" It'd crossed my mind that Giri's wife possessed all the things he has just described as positive attributes.. and by the same token, I'd come out somewhat short. Not that I cared. Really. And G was just saying things.. he couldn't be the friend he was to me if had issues with aggressive women.. though I like to call myself emphatic.. whatever!
In answer to my impertinent question, he cooly looked at his watch and suggested we walk back. Wrong move. I couldn't let him dismiss my question. Insufferable. Not to be borne with. "Tell me Giri, how it is between you? I can see Seema is beautiful. But she is... whats the word, passive, isn't it? She ever give head?" Shock flooded his eyes. Giri said: "Are you crazy? Have you no filter in your head? How can you ask me this?" As soon as I'd said it, I knew I'd crossed a line. Not that I have anything against the activity, but I do realize its not something I can ask a friend about his wife.. I resorted to a tactic I hate. I said, "I have always felt that your obsession with beauty was why we did not work out! I am sorry about what I said just now." And then mustering what dignity I could, while I felt perfectly mortified, I about-turned and walked away from him.. as fast as my legs could carry me. I heard Giri scream, "What the f*** do you want me to say, Ev?" I did not answer.
I sat in my car waiting for him because his vehicle was still parked at our office.. What I said in the end was not wholly untrue, you know. Except that today it no longer mattered and I shouldn't have taunted him about Seema in that way. Giri's refusal to pursue me had hurt my self esteem more than I'd ever admitted to anyone. May be his reasons were different than what I assumed, but I could not shake the feeling that I was right. And that hurt. He never gave me any reassurance. I walked out on him because I couldn't bear to have him walk out. Somehow G had been a foil against which I chose a man like Anish. I wanted someone whoes intrinsic perception of the female appeal was wholly different from the stereotype. With Anish, our relationship blossomed because he really hadn't come to me with any preconceptions of the opposite sex. We were free to define the man woman relationship on our own terms. We were free to evolve. We've experimented with sensual freedom beyond just sight. And there is soo much to explore. My self image has undergone major reorientation since those days and no thanks to G.